Lean Back

Lackluster

2010-06-07T17:57:00.000-07:00

I feel that I have neglected this blog for too long. Looking back at my really old posts, I feel (and this is entirely my own personal opinion) that I was witty enough and that I had a pretty good sense of humour.

Now, I just feel so angsty.. that I have far too many issues to write anything of interest to anyone --or to myself even. I think I can honestly say that I miss the "old" me -- not that I'd give up any of the "new" me... It's just hard to have transitioned into who I am now and hope to find traces of the person that I had thought myself to be. Does any of this make sense anyway???!

Work is stressful - but that isn't something that's unique to my job. everyone has their own form of stress regardless of what their job description is. I feel the need to inject some passion in my life, to do something that that inspires me and makes me feel crazy-alive. I think I need a career-change or a life-change. I think I think too much and that I don't spend enough time actually thinking.

I'm a lost "grown-up". I've lost the child in me.

I'm in ruins...

2010-05-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

21 Guns
Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Granny Goose

2008-05-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

For the first time in ages, I actually had time to sit down and have breakfast before going to work. I was halfway through breakfast and going through our preso when my Lola came down to eat. I had the O-D-D-E-S-T conversation with her.

Lola: How old will you be in October?
Me: 28
Lola: 28? So kelan ka mag-aasawa?
Me: Ha??? Hindi ko pa talaga iniisip yun Lola.
Lola: Good good. Dapat mga pag-30 ka nalang ikasal.

(This is odd because in past conversations, she wanted me to go and get married so I could give her great-grandchildren! Tapos ngayon... weird!)

Lola: You don't drive your car to work ba? Bakit lagi nanjan sa garage?
Me: Lola, I drive to work. Coding lang ako yesterday kaya I didn't bring my car.

(Bet you she only saw my car yesterday = LAGI/ PARATI ko iniiwan!!! Ayus!)

Me: Excuse me, Lola. I have to leave for work already. (as I get up from my seat)
Lola: 'Family given nickname' (which I refuse to disclose, especially not in cyberspace!), ano yang damit mo? Psychedelic yan diba?
Me: (eyes as big as saucers) Ha??!! Yes Lola, my dress is psychedelic.

(Wow, GROOVY!!!)

*** *** ***

In other news, I got this message from my Mum this morning:

"Am trying Globe's Tracker service. They might text you to ask for your permission to be tracked."

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghht!!! YUN LANG!

A Sign of the Times

2008-04-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

A few weeks back, my most favorite pair of flipflops met its untimely demise. I had just gotten home, I was about to step out of the car when the strap just snapped. Weird! I didn't know that it was possible to destroy a pair of havaianas. I always thought that these were borderline invincible --this pair in particular cos I've been toting this to anywhere and everywhere. This is my most used pair and this specifically has a lot of history and sentimental value.. but then again, recent events have lead me to believe that I may very well be mistaken and that what I gave value to may not deserve that kind of appraisal. I always think that it's better to be quiet or uninvolved rather than to throw a Tupperware party. Or when it's unavoidable, try not to be so transparent when your face is in plain view of other people who actually care. It's insulting really but at least I know better than to hold on to something that was never there in the first place.

I've been painfully reminded that ghosts will always be ghosts and when you least expect it, they'll come back to haunt you. The past few weeks with last night's culminating activity has got me desperately begging for an exorcism. Just when I think things are okay, they all come out one by one and bite me in the ass. It's exhausting really. I just wanna lie in bed and forget about everything. If this keeps up, I don't know how long I'll last.

It's Confirmed

2008-04-01T20:39:00.000-07:00

Things here at the Machineshop really happen at warp speed. In 4 hours, I will find myself on board an airplane that will take me to the NMHQ in BKK (that would've been a mouhful, really!) I'm excited and petrified at the same time.. but as with all new adventures--it'll be character building. Thundercats are GOoooo!!! :p

Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

2007-10-01T20:46:00.000-07:00

After months and months of putting it off, I finally went to see the dentist yesterday and as expected, I needed to have a tooth extracted. Actually, I need to have 5 more extracted but I'm going to schedule the trauma from that experience at a time when I'm more emotionally prepared. Kudos to my new dentist cos it didn't hurt much. I'm just in a really foul mood now because my gum's bleeding still and I've been hungry for 2 days!!! I stupidly put off breakfast and lunch before seeing the dentist and obviously, I couldn't eat anything after the extraction so you can just imagine how HUNGRY I am! I never thought that having to eat ice cream would ever make me sad. It's really depressing.. This is so NOT the perfect remedy for the birthday blues.. :-(

Oddly so, I managed to ge a smoke in before heading up to the dentist's office. (Yes, my priorities are warped-- OBVIOUSLY!!!) I was standing in front of the chapel but I could no for the life of me bring myself to just go inside and talk to Him. It's been awhile.. I sucked on my 'last cigarette' watching people go in and out of the chapel, with no hesitations, no second thoughts. I wonder how faith seems so easy, so natural for them and why it seems so hard for me..

I'm probably not making any real sense.. Hunger makes the mind go wilder! Somebody help me! :-(

Stumped!!!

2007-08-01T00:13:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in such a loooong time. I feel that I have somehow lost the ability to organize my messy thoughts into a seemingly organized post.. I just find it so weird and mildly disturbing that I can't freakin' write when this has always been one of my best outlets.. especially now when there are so many things going on. It's so frustrating! Ugh!

*** *** ***
When all else fails, I post a 'theme song'.. not mine necessarily but just a 'theme song'.. :p

BAD HABIT
Destiny's Child

How many times
Are you gonna apologize about the same thing
And how many times can I take you back
When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong
(When I'm not the one that's doin' wrong, yeah)
I thought maybe if I started prayin'
That we would get better, but
When I would pray the answer would always come back to me bein' done
But we are so hard headed when we're in love
So I

I told myself that I would make some changes
But the more I change there's one thing that remains the same
I can't seem to shake ya
You seem to really have a hold on me
And everytime that we break up
We turn around and make up
This can't go on now
I gotta move on now
It's not the fact that I don't love you no more
But I gotta break this bad habit
Can't take his bad habit no more

I'm totally out of my element
Learnin' new ways to live, while your in a comfort zone
Not even thinkin, (you couldn't think about me) to call
And then when I get mad you buy me gifts
Thinkin' it's gonna solve every issue
From the girl callin my phone, to the pictures that I saw
And every time you would break up with me for nothing at all
I've takin all I could take (I've takin all I could take)
But the way I live has gotta change, oh

Let me break it down
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you was just to blind to see
Past, all of the pain they was causin' you
Ladies do you feel me (do you feel me)
Have you ever loved somebody
So much that you went against the right things that you should do
Then it's time to make a change
So I

Home Improvement

2005-03-02T10:19:00.000-08:00

This is it! I'm making the move! Link me:

http://underneaththissmile.blogspot.com/

Rollercoaster of Love2

2005-03-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

Almost made you love me

Almost made you cry

Almost made you happy, baby

Didn't I didn't I

You almost had me thinkin'

You were turned around

But everybody knows

Almost doesn't count

Almost heard you saying

You were finally free

What was always missing for you, baby

You'd found it in me

But you can't get to heaven

Half off the ground

Everybody knows

Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you

One foot outside the door

I hear a funny hesitation

Of a heart that's never really sure

Can't keep on tryin'

If you're looking for more

Than all that I could give you

Than what you came here for

Gonna find me somebody

Not afraid to let go

Want a no doubt be there kind of man

You came real close

But everytime you built me up

You only let me down

And everybody knows

Almost doesn't count

Maybe you'll be sorry

Maybe you'll be cold

Maybe you'll come runnin' back, baby

From the cruel cruel world

Almost convinced me

You're gonna stick around

But everybody knows

Almost doesn't count

So maybe I'll be here

Maybe I'll see ya 'round

That's the way it goes

Almost doesn't count

-Almost Doesn't Count, Brandy

2005-03-01T00:27:00.000-08:00

Home is Where the Heart Is

2005-02-17T18:18:00.000-08:00

We're finally HOME!!!

The Secret is Out!

2005-02-14T18:49:00.000-08:00

The SECRET is out!

Yes, my blog is no longer a secret.. no longer something that I hold dear and near to my heart because of the comfort it brings when I am able to lash out at the world when I am hurting--when the person I love the most breaks my heart over and over and over again...

But I think that I shall continue to write, in the hopes that this will cure the melancholia that I feel.

I am so f@%*ing depressed...

why won't anybody believe me? Why won't somebody come and save me?

It's Velentine's day.. but what the hell is that suppsoed to mean to me anyway?! It's a "holiday" especially designed to push desperate and lonely people off the deep end while Hallmark and chocolate factories and flower farms move in for the kill. I think I'm extra sad because it's Valentine's day... I don't quite know how to explain it, especially under the circumstances that I am currently in.

Okay, enough of the drama. I feel sick to my stomach as it is.. I need not wallow in more drama as I am quite satiated for ten lifetimes over.

*** *** ***

On a lighter note, I have been quite a movie buff in the past few weeks. I have seen:

1. Elektra
2. Meet the Fockers
3. Assault on Precint 13
4. A Very Long Engagement
5. Spanglish
6. I Heart Huckabees
7. In Good Company
8. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

No too good considering I took up film in college but good enough considering how many movies have passed me by in the last year.

With Virramall closed (or has it re-opened?), I am glad to have found a new "pirate" haven where they have absolutely no qualms about displaying their goods and where you can actually verify if the movie you're buying is really a DVD copy. Coolness! I can't wait to get a fresh batch of new and old movies to watch.

*** *** ***

I arrived pretty late at the office again today. Not the best way to start the week, especially with Chris finally fleeing the Factory. I definitely didn't sign-up for all the changes that are going to happen but what can I do, right? It's not as if I have the option to not-work. Hence, I am left to deal with the "autism" that becomes my environment. whoooooopeee!
(Chris, I hatechu! Ihatechu! Ihatechu! This place is sooooo quiet and sad without you... I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or Eerie Indiana or something like that..hehehe)

*** *** ***

From my broken heart to yours, I leave you all with this... Happy Valentine's Day!

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.
-Carrie, HBO's Sex and the City

Happily Ever After

2005-02-02T18:13:00.000-08:00

Harry: I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out.
I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich.
I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts.
I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.
And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve.
I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.

- Billy Crystal to Meg Ryan, When Harry Met Sally

So, needless to say things are going pretty well in that department. I'm not counting my chickens just yet though but at least with everything going on in my life right now, that's one thing less to think off and worry about. He's being so sweet and loving and characteristically/ uncharacteristically (go figure) open about how his feelings. I'm sure we're both just really tired of fighting.

I knocked some sense into my own head hence-while I am still quite anxious about things--I am no longer an excessively hormonal puffalump--well, maybe just a puffalump but I'm trying to do something about that too.

I took the train home last Monday and this couple caught my attention because they were uber sweet and all over each other. I was a bit put off at first but when I saw how he would look at her, right before he would kiss her (and he did kiss her a record number of times considering there were just about 3 stops from the time I got on the train), I couldn't help but feel jealous. It seems as if I haven't seen that look in sooooo long and I don't think I've seen him that in love with me since God knows when. It's sad. Maybe this is just my hormones talking but then again maybe not.

Every girl, at one point in her life, has dreamt of becoming a princess or at least to be treated like one. To this day, that's still what I want. I want the romance (minus the drama) and I want the whole production/ musical extravaganza. I want to be swept off my feet, dammit! Not just once in the bluest of blue moons but everyday. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not high-maintenance. I'm actually very easy to please...although not easy to figure out.

Had lunch with my co-Factory workers (that's what everyone seems to be calling it anyway!) and I felt conflicted with emotions. On one hand, I think I'm going to get along with the new kid on the block (I think we have to wait for the announcement before we can call him by name) and while this whole transition period is going to be crazeeee, I know that we'll make it. On the other hand, my Supah-visor only has 7 days left in this crummy ol' Factory. *sigh* Yes, he'll probably be back for consultation and what-not but it's still going to be different--very different.

Chris, Ayoko pa mag-emote! So no "goodbyes" or no "go team" messages for you just yet but thanks for the motivation. I needed that. Next week nalang tayo mag-drama. hehe :)

Hell's Kitchen

2005-01-27T17:38:00.000-08:00

I complain
When nothing's even wrong
And you're ashamed
Cause you're not quite that strong

That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
I miss your face as you can tell
I hope my absence makes you well

Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to
But I am older now
And I am sorry too
So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you

I am shy
I never speak a word
And you are numb
From all the things you never heard

That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
But now I own an empty space
And I can't fill it with your face

Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to
But I am older now
And I believe in you
So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you
-What I Didn't Know, Athenaeum

For  what ever it's worth, I am sorry too... I love you...
__________________________________________

On a lighter note, I had lunch with one of my girlfriends at the M cafe (or Museum Cafe)

in Greenbelt. YUMMY!!! The best way to pick up your mood is with incredibly good food. We both have our own issues to deal with but when the food came, all our worries magically disappeared. She had some pumpkin soup thing and a spicy thai beef sandwich while I had a smoked longganisa with queso kalabaw. I can't wait to try the other stuff on their menu--especially their strawberry and mint cheesecake, chocolate choc-nut cake (something like that) and I guess everything else.

It 's the perfect place to while your time away. I can imagine myself spending the day there with a really good book and with my journal. (They have nice hard-bound notebooks in the cafe's store. I WANT!!!) We sat outdoors of course and it was quite cool , windy and not the least bit sunny. Plus, considering that it's in Makati, it was smoker-friendly. Hooray!

BLONDE MOMENT: I love their uniforms. Black, white and gray japanese inspired kimonos and obis worn in different ways. Cool! If only for that (and maybe free food and drinks), I'd willingly work there.

The place is immaculate--it's so clean that the bathrooms smelled like it was freshly disinfected for us. It wasn't exactly minty but not purely lemon-y either. It smelled like that Riccola candy that my lolo used to have all the time.

I am definitely coming back to try their martinis and their dessert! Only good food, great company and a wide array of mixed drinks can keep me sane nowadays. (O, drama nanaman! hehe) Three cheers for today's payslip!!! M cafe', I shall be back! Oh yes, I shall be back!

Emotera!!!

2005-01-25T17:35:00.000-08:00

Pang-emote! *sigh*

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
-My Immortal, Evanescence

OH JOY!

2005-01-24T17:39:00.000-08:00

OH JOY! SAGAD!
I had quite a weekend that actually went well into this morning! Saturday was spent "beautifying" at the salon followed by a mad-rush shopping spree (in only under 20 minutes) with him. Although I haven't been dressing the part, I think I'm a pretty good shopper. There's actually a longer story behind that but I'm not in the mood to get into it right now (...actually, I don't think I'll be in any mood to tell that story-ever!)

Sunday was spent in Laguna with him, our friends, our instruments, yummy food and a whole lot of booze. Funny how plans just fell into place, especially considering we were all pretty much intoxicated (yet again...) when we decided on this road trip. It was suppsoed to be a band-bonding moment but it turned out to be so much more than that.

There are so many stories to share about yesterday's adventure--as in the"trail", rolling down the hill, racing on the path, a million and one cigarette butts, trekking, falling into a ditch, and it goes on and on and on-- but I guess you just had to be there to get why it's funny.

Pictures to follow once I finally get the hang of it.

OH JOY! IDOL IS BACK!
While the auditions they've been showing aren't as funny as last years or at least not as memorable, I'm still quite happy that the new season is back and on two channels (Star World and ABC5) even! Wednesdays and Thursdays are Idol days so expect me to be stuck at home (at least until about 9pm)

While there are truly a lot of talented people in the world, madami lang talagang ilusyonado at ilusyonada. I honestly can't believe the stunned looks on their faces when the judges turn them down. One girl actually had voices talking in her head! (cue Psycho music: ernk-ernk-ernk-ernk)

Watching Idol means so much more to me than just finding someone to root for or guessing who was going to be eliminated next. It reminds me of all that quality time we spent together, watching in bed or while we were having dinner. It was fun and life (for an hour) was peaceful.

OH JOY! I Heart Jennifer Garner.
Elektra will be out on theaters this Wednesday! Yipeeeeeeee!

I didn't really care who Jennifer Garner was until after much prodding, I decided to check out Alias on AXN (bless their soul!) It was really COOL. FULLSTOP. I got so addicted that I even got my Mom hooked. We'd ending up fighting to stay awake jsut to catch the repeat telecast past midnight since we both couldn't get home in time for the primetime showing. By the time the third season came out, I was busy buying VCD copies of each episode (for P50 each mind you) and we would have Alias marathons in my room. By the time we were on episode 20 (with 2 more episodes to go and after spending what seems like an obscene amount of money), the DVD copy of the entire season came out for about P600 only. Crap! It was well worth it.

With Virramall closed for renovations, I am a bit distraught about not being able to get my hands on the new season soon. (They've already aired the 4th episode on TV in the States) but I have faith in the Pirates of the Philippines! GO TEAM! I shall soon get my hands on Season 4!

OH JOY! Y'ALL GOIN' DOWN!!!!
I'm being sarcastic of course! Call center people in this building are the bane of my existence. I don't mean to generalize but 9.5 out of the 10 times that I have been in the lift with at least 2 of these creatures, they managed to royally piss off the other people inside mainly because they're noisy, they're restless, they talk incessantly, they take too much space allotted for an individual and so on and so forth. One funny incident (although I didn't really find myself laughing): I was on the lift with just one callboy and he still couldn't keep quiet and keep still! He still managed to make some noise on his own--tapping his shoes, making weird noises, etc.

I'm really beginning to think that the call center environment fosters this new breed of.. I'm not quite sure what to call them. Rumor has it that complaints have been filed left and right about these people but I'm guessing this just fueled their need and desire to annoy everyone else in the building. Congratulations, you guys are doing a mighty good job at it. I hope you get banned from all the elevators FOREVER and EVER and EVER!!!

OH JOY! OH JOY! OH JOY!
It's time to clock out of work and I've been quite unproductive. I don't know what's gotten into me these days (although I have an idea...) but I hope that I can snap out of this. It's the crazee weather. I've got the sniffles :p

Feels Like Home

2005-01-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
-Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk

Things have finally mellowed for us--after what seemed like 20 years of fighting. It's amazing and at the same time somewhat of a shock. I guess we're both just really tired of all the bickering and fighting over the littlest of things which obviously doesn't do us any good. We're still both going through a lot of things as individuals but oddly, it seems as if we're actually dealing with it together.

No, this is not a martyr-speech. I'm not delusional either. I just know that this is really what I want and I'm not going to let my once in a lifetime pass me by. I guess bottomline, regardless of all the crap that we've dished out at each other, the good times still outweigh the bad and believe it or not, he makes me happy like no one else can. He's my HOME-albeit the dysfunctionality.

On another note, this song reminds me of a really good friend of mine. Aside from the Dawson's Creek soundtrack, I know this was used for some movie (Is it How To Lose?) and we (referring to our now-defunct band) had hoped to play this.(My new band however is about to hit some bars soon so watch out for us!) I found out yesterday that I'm going to be a ninang soon. What a SHOCK! But hey, they sounded happy and they took the news pretty well cos' they've been somewhat expecting it (looooooooong story) so... Congratulations Mommy Boppers and Daddy Rocker! (I hope it's a GIRL! Wawaa Daddy Rocker! hehehe)

While I know that babies are blessings and gifts and yadda yadda, I'm just pretty freaked. It's as if everyone's either pregnant, about to give birth or has already given birth. It's stressful really. (okay..did I just overshare?!) Although, we actually had an entire conversation regarding our future kids' names- Quincy, Quentin and Quira (just in case we get a girl). We expect that their future teachers in their future schools, among a whole lot of others, will find ways to bastardize their names with their dection so these will probably change in the future. Seriously though, at this point in my life, I simply can't quite picture myself as a mom. If I was placed in that situation, I don't think I'd be equipped to handle it. And for the record, based on my history with my mother, when the right time comes, I'll be praying on both knees for a BABY BOY!

Weekend E's and V's

2005-01-14T18:00:00.000-08:00

Chill out whatcha yelling for?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see

Somebody else round everyone else
You're watching your back, like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me
Tell me

Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get
And you turn it into honesty
Promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
-Complicated, Avril Lavigne

Weekend-downer: I am officially in another non-argument again. The weekend is just a few minutes away. My plans-- nothing specific, just mainly to survive the weekend. It hasn't even begun and yet it is seemingly off to a bad start.

SPARE ME THE MOTHERF**CKING DRAMA PLEEEEAAASE!!!

My life is already a goddamn' soap opera on local tv (cos' foreign ones sometimes have uncanny spins to them)! My forefathers must have created drama so naturally, I don't need more of it. I feel like my insides are about to burst from all the stress so I must stop ranting now.

Weekend-upper: Got an SMS from Powerbooks. I can now complete the Bloomwood series! Yipeeee! It's shallow but I need to stop thinking and to just be entertained.

Desperately Seeking Normalcy

2005-01-11T17:35:00.000-08:00

"I will not be the first one to speak.
And if he never calls me again,
I'll always think of him fondly-
As an ASSHOLE"
- Carrie, HBO's Sex and the City

Warning: This is a rant-y/whiny post so stop reading if you're not in the mood for any dramatics.

All I wanted was to have just ONE normal day but apparently, in this day and age, ONE day is too freakin' much to ask for.

It just saddens me that the ONE person that you count on the most to be stable and comforting when you're in a really ugly place in your life turns out to be the first one to screw you over. As if I really need more drama in my life!!! The ONE thing that I'm trying to avoid is the same thing that blows-up in my face. I don't even know what the hell I did and wrong and yet I feel like I'm being punished AGAIN! I'm so disappointed but at the same time, I feel that it might've been my fault for expecting too much.

My life is one hell of a rollercoaster ride but of late, it seems more like a bungee jump that has yet to bounce back up. My world is slowly falling apart--in every aspect. It's as if I have no safe place to turn to or to hide under while everything around me crumbles. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about what else the future might bring because frankly, I'm not so sure how much more I can handle.

I'm scared.

I don't even know what makes people think that I'm strong enough to take things on all by lonesome when really, I feel like I'm ready to break.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

Okay, so much for the drama... I must pull myself together and get out of this state.

My Supah-visor is flying the coop! Yes, he is ready to spread his wings to horizons far and beyond. While this may not be a good thing for me, I sincerely wish him well. And as an homage':

Carrie: Maybe I can't leave New York. I don't know how I'd do someplace else.
Samantha: Believe me, your fabulousness would translate.
-HBO's Sex and the City

Take care and be well lola!!!:)

Come Ride My Rollercoaster Baby

2005-01-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

Rollercoaster of Love say what
Rollercoaster yeah (oohh oohh oohh)...
Oh baby you know what I'm talking about
Rollercoaster of Love
Oh yeah it's Rollercoaster time
Lovin' you is really wild
Oh it´s just a love rollercoaster
Step right up and get your tickets

-Love Rollercoaster, Red Hot Chili Peppers,
The Beavis and Butthead Do America OST

I thought that maybe this year would be different from last and yet it seems like I have come full circle and then some... (i.e. freaking crappy to crappy to motherfreaking crappy) AND to make matters completely worse than they already are, I have no one to blame really and there's nothing much I can honestly do.

Why?!!!

Talk about OWNING my life this year. I certainly own one crappy life.. if things don't turn around for me soon... I'm going to turn from homicidal to suicidal!

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

Love Forever

2005-01-06T11:30:00.000-08:00

I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.
-Northern Sky, Nick Drake (Serendipity OST)

I LIVE. I LOVE. I DIE.
13th month and counting... and counting... and counting....
We all live, fall in love and eventually, we all die. It's a cycle.. .a process... that I'm sure no one who has lived on this planet has ever escaped. Because even those with the coldest of hearts and darkest of souls have surely loved at least once in their lives. (how else could they have ended up that way?! yes, the bitter pill!)

So let us live and love and maybe push back the dying bit for as long as we can..

I love you forever...
I love you for always...
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...
Happy Monthsary Baby! :)

I Need A Resolution

2005-01-05T17:16:00.000-08:00

My randomly generated resolution:

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Bring back disco.

Get your resolution here

Believe me, there's nothing better than dancing your blues away (aided by tons of moonshine of course!) --> that by the way, is my word for the day. MOONSHINE.
__________________________________________________

Seriously speaking of resolutions, I resolve to:

1. Save more.
2. Shop less (but at the same time update my wardrobe cos i want to--)
3. Change my look.
4. Pray more.
5. Talk less.
6. Make money.
7. Be more independent.
8. Be happy.
9. Lose weight.
10. Gain peace of mind.

Simple but seemingly difficult to do. I wish myself luck.

New year, New beginnings

2005-01-03T10:20:00.000-08:00

2005 is finally here! After the 365 and then some days of suffering and bad karma, it is finally here!!! Although 2004 wasn't all that great and I can't really say that it had any highlights, there are still some things that I am thankful for and that I'll remember when I think of 2004.

1. I am still alive (who would've thought I'd survive all the emotional drama/trauma I've been through)
2. I still have a roof over me head.
3. I am (relatively) healthy (albeit the excessive smoking and drinking)
4. I still have a family that undeniably loves me (even with all the crazy things that we've all been through)
5. Mom and I are in speaking terms and she still calls me "Anak".
6. Dad had an actual shining fatherly moment which brought me to tears.
7. My brothers are the best! I know that they've got my back.
8. I am loved-- thanks Hubby! :)
9. I have lost but found myself--not completely, but I'm getting there.
10. I have a normal, stable job.
11. I have learned to commute!!!
12. I am more independent.
13. I lost some weight. (which I unfortunately gained back! crap!)
14. I played in a band.
15. I lost my old band but put together a new one.
16. I actually look like I know what I'm doing when I'm on the k-hon.
17. We rocked at our company's Christmas party.
18. I lost some friends but made some new ones.
19. I reconnected with my high school friends.
20. I have friends who keep me sane and who never judge me when I go nuts.
21. I didn't get extremely drunk on my birthday.
22. I was well taken care of when I eventually got drunk on other occasions.
23. I didn't do drugs. (not that I've ever really...)
24. I read some really good or at the very least, rather entertaining books.
25. I was introduced to new music by my friends.
26. I didn't get into any freak accidents.
27. I made it to Divisoria in one-piece, by myself during the Christmas season.
28. I SHOPPED! And I shopped a lot with my own money.
29. I learned additional computer skills.
30. I got a SUN cellular number--24/7 baby! hehe :)
31. I didn't let my once in a lifetime pass me by.
32. I became more patient.
33. I am more rational.
34. I learned how to be more creative when it comes to buying gifts.
35. I learned to give truly without expecting to receive.
36. I learned how to apologize.
37. I learned how to love unconditionally.
38. I fought for the one I love.
39. I allowed myself to be loved.
40. I allowed myself to need someone.
41. I allowed myself to admit it.
42. I learned a lot of new "tricks".. heehee :9
43. I got a marriage proposal. (and I actually proposed to my man)
44. I fit in.
45. I learned (still learning..) to curb my temper--> Anger Management
46. I was able to write again.
47. I am more obedient.
48. I went into business last month (and wil be entering other business ventures this year).
49.I am more headstrong and determined.
And...
50. After all the crap that I've been through in the past 12 months, I don't really hatethe world or anyone or anything and I'm actually beginning to like (and even truly love) myself.

My Supah-visor gave me some fabulous advise before 2004 ended. He said, "Own IT!" It's time to take control of my life and of everything that happens in it. I should be the one to decide when I'll be happy, when I'll be sad, when good things will happen and when I'll allow bad things to occur and this year, I WILL! I will do more, think more, say more and whine less. It's time to equalize the BAD KARMA Baby!

So, Welcome 2005! Bring it On!