Thursday, January 27, 2005
I complain
When nothing's even wrong
And you're ashamed
Cause you're not quite that strong
That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
I miss your face as you can tell
I hope my absence makes you well
Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to
But I am older now
And I am sorry too
So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you
I am shy
I never speak a word
And you are numb
From all the things you never heard
That's when I said I'll need
More than you can offer me
But now I own an empty space
And I can't fill it with your face
Cause what I didn't know
Is I was killing you
I said a lot of things that I didn't mean to
But I am older now
And I believe in you
So I can wait awhile
If it brings me back to you
-What I Didn't Know, Athenaeum
For what ever it's worth, I am sorry too... I love you...
__________________________________________On a lighter note, I had lunch with one of my girlfriends at the M cafe (or Museum Cafe) in Greenbelt. YUMMY!!! The best way to pick up your mood is with incredibly good food. We both have our own issues to deal with but when the food came, all our worries magically disappeared. She had some pumpkin soup thing and a spicy thai beef sandwich while I had a smoked longganisa with queso kalabaw. I can't wait to try the other stuff on their menu--especially their strawberry and mint cheesecake, chocolate choc-nut cake (something like that) and I guess everything else.
It 's the perfect place to while your time away. I can imagine myself spending the day there with a really good book and with my journal. (They have nice hard-bound notebooks in the cafe's store. I WANT!!!) We sat outdoors of course and it was quite cool , windy and not the least bit sunny. Plus, considering that it's in Makati, it was smoker-friendly. Hooray!
BLONDE MOMENT: I love their uniforms. Black, white and gray japanese inspired kimonos and obis worn in different ways. Cool! If only for that (and maybe free food and drinks), I'd willingly work there.
The place is immaculate--it's so clean that the bathrooms smelled like it was freshly disinfected for us. It wasn't exactly minty but not purely lemon-y either. It smelled like that Riccola candy that my lolo used to have all the time.
I am definitely coming back to try their martinis and their dessert! Only good food, great company and a wide array of mixed drinks can keep me sane nowadays. (O, drama nanaman! hehe) Three cheers for today's payslip!!! M cafe', I shall be back! Oh yes, I shall be back!
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
5:38 PM
Pang-emote! *sigh*I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
-My Immortal, Evanescence
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
5:35 PM
OH JOY! SAGAD!
I had quite a weekend that actually went well into this morning! Saturday was spent "beautifying" at the salon followed by a mad-rush shopping spree (in only under 20 minutes) with him. Although I haven't been dressing the part, I think I'm a pretty good shopper. There's actually a longer story behind that but I'm not in the mood to get into it right now (...actually, I don't think I'll be in any mood to tell that story-ever!)
Sunday was spent in Laguna with him, our friends, our instruments, yummy food and a whole lot of booze. Funny how plans just fell into place, especially considering we were all pretty much intoxicated (yet again...) when we decided on this road trip. It was suppsoed to be a band-bonding moment but it turned out to be so much more than that.
There are so many stories to share about yesterday's adventure--as in the"trail", rolling down the hill, racing on the path, a million and one cigarette butts, trekking, falling into a ditch, and it goes on and on and on-- but I guess you just had to be there to get why it's funny.
Pictures to follow once I finally get the hang of it.
OH JOY! IDOL IS BACK!
While the auditions they've been showing aren't as funny as last years or at least not as memorable, I'm still quite happy that the new season is back and on two channels (Star World and ABC5) even! Wednesdays and Thursdays are Idol days so expect me to be stuck at home (at least until about 9pm)
While there are truly a lot of talented people in the world, madami lang talagang ilusyonado at ilusyonada. I honestly can't believe the stunned looks on their faces when the judges turn them down. One girl actually had voices talking in her head! (cue Psycho music: ernk-ernk-ernk-ernk)
Watching Idol means so much more to me than just finding someone to root for or guessing who was going to be eliminated next. It reminds me of all that quality time we spent together, watching in bed or while we were having dinner. It was fun and life (for an hour) was peaceful.
OH JOY! I Heart Jennifer Garner.
Elektra will be out on theaters this Wednesday! Yipeeeeeeee!
I didn't really care who Jennifer Garner was until after much prodding, I decided to check out Alias on AXN (bless their soul!) It was really COOL. FULLSTOP. I got so addicted that I even got my Mom hooked. We'd ending up fighting to stay awake jsut to catch the repeat telecast past midnight since we both couldn't get home in time for the primetime showing. By the time the third season came out, I was busy buying VCD copies of each episode (for P50 each mind you) and we would have Alias marathons in my room. By the time we were on episode 20 (with 2 more episodes to go and after spending what seems like an obscene amount of money), the DVD copy of the entire season came out for about P600 only. Crap! It was well worth it.
With Virramall closed for renovations, I am a bit distraught about not being able to get my hands on the new season soon. (They've already aired the 4th episode on TV in the States) but I have faith in the Pirates of the Philippines! GO TEAM! I shall soon get my hands on Season 4!
OH JOY! Y'ALL GOIN' DOWN!!!!
I'm being sarcastic of course! Call center people in this building are the bane of my existence. I don't mean to generalize but 9.5 out of the 10 times that I have been in the lift with at least 2 of these creatures, they managed to royally piss off the other people inside mainly because they're noisy, they're restless, they talk incessantly, they take too much space allotted for an individual and so on and so forth. One funny incident (although I didn't really find myself laughing): I was on the lift with just one callboy and he still couldn't keep quiet and keep still! He still managed to make some noise on his own--tapping his shoes, making weird noises, etc.
I'm really beginning to think that the call center environment fosters this new breed of.. I'm not quite sure what to call them. Rumor has it that complaints have been filed left and right about these people but I'm guessing this just fueled their need and desire to annoy everyone else in the building. Congratulations, you guys are doing a mighty good job at it. I hope you get banned from all the elevators FOREVER and EVER and EVER!!!
OH JOY! OH JOY! OH JOY!
It's time to clock out of work and I've been quite unproductive. I don't know what's gotten into me these days (although I have an idea...) but I hope that I can snap out of this. It's the crazee weather. I've got the sniffles :p
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
5:39 PM
Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've felt so low
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
-Feels Like Home, Chantal Kreviazuk
Things have finally mellowed for us--after what seemed like 20 years of fighting. It's amazing and at the same time somewhat of a shock. I guess we're both just really tired of all the bickering and fighting over the littlest of things which obviously doesn't do us any good. We're still both going through a lot of things as individuals but oddly, it seems as if we're actually dealing with it together.
No, this is not a martyr-speech. I'm not delusional either. I just know that this is really what I want and I'm not going to let my once in a lifetime pass me by. I guess bottomline, regardless of all the crap that we've dished out at each other, the good times still outweigh the bad and believe it or not, he makes me happy like no one else can. He's my HOME-albeit the dysfunctionality.
On another note, this song reminds me of a really good friend of mine. Aside from the Dawson's Creek soundtrack, I know this was used for some movie (Is it How To Lose?) and we (referring to our now-defunct band) had hoped to play this.(My new band however is about to hit some bars soon so watch out for us!) I found out yesterday that I'm going to be a ninang soon. What a SHOCK! But hey, they sounded happy and they took the news pretty well cos' they've been somewhat expecting it (looooooooong story) so... Congratulations Mommy Boppers and Daddy Rocker! (I hope it's a GIRL! Wawaa Daddy Rocker! hehehe)
While I know that babies are blessings and gifts and yadda yadda, I'm just pretty freaked. It's as if everyone's either pregnant, about to give birth or has already given birth. It's stressful really. (okay..did I just overshare?!) Although, we actually had an entire conversation regarding our future kids' names- Quincy, Quentin and Quira (just in case we get a girl). We expect that their future teachers in their future schools, among a whole lot of others, will find ways to bastardize their names with their dection so these will probably change in the future. Seriously though, at this point in my life, I simply can't quite picture myself as a mom. If I was placed in that situation, I don't think I'd be equipped to handle it. And for the record, based on my history with my mother, when the right time comes, I'll be praying on both knees for a BABY BOY!
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
9:39 PM
Chill out whatcha yelling for? Somebody else round everyone else Why you have to go and make things so complicated?
Lay back, it's all been done before
And if you could only let it be
You will see
You're watching your back, like you can't relax
You're trying to be cool, you look like a fool to me
Tell me
I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else gets me frustrated
Life's like this
You fall and you crawl and you break
And you take what you get
And you turn it into honesty
Promise me I'm never gonna find you fake it
-Complicated, Avril Lavigne
My life is already a goddamn' soap opera on local tv (cos' foreign ones
"I will not be the first one to speak.
And if he never calls me again,
I'll always think of him fondly-
As an ASSHOLE"
- Carrie, HBO's Sex and the City
Warning: This is a rant-y/whiny post so stop reading if you're not in the mood for any dramatics.
All I wanted was to have just ONE normal day but apparently, in this day and age, ONE day is too freakin' much to ask for.
It just saddens me that the ONE person that you count on the most to be stable and comforting when you're in a really ugly place in your life turns out to be the first one to screw you over. As if I really need more drama in my life!!! The ONE thing that I'm trying to avoid is the same thing that blows-up in my face. I don't even know what the hell I did and wrong and yet I feel like I'm being punished AGAIN! I'm so disappointed but at the same time, I feel that it might've been my fault for expecting too much.
My life is one hell of a rollercoaster ride but of late, it seems more like a bungee jump that has yet to bounce back up. My world is slowly falling apart--in every aspect. It's as if I have no safe place to turn to or to hide under while everything around me crumbles. I'm sick to my stomach just thinking about what else the future might bring because frankly, I'm not so sure how much more I can handle.
I'm scared.
I don't even know what makes people think that I'm strong enough to take things on all by lonesome when really, I feel like I'm ready to break.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
Okay, so much for the drama... I must pull myself together and get out of this state.
My Supah-visor is flying the coop! Yes, he is ready to spread his wings to horizons far and beyond. While this may not be a good thing for me, I sincerely wish him well. And as an homage':
Carrie: Maybe I can't leave New York. I don't know how I'd do someplace else.
Samantha: Believe me, your fabulousness would translate.
-HBO's Sex and the City
Take care and be well lola!!!:)
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
5:35 PM
Rollercoaster of Love say what
Rollercoaster yeah (oohh oohh oohh)...
Oh baby you know what I'm talking about
Rollercoaster of Love
Oh yeah it's Rollercoaster time
Lovin' you is really wild
Oh it´s just a love rollercoaster
Step right up and get your tickets
-Love Rollercoaster, Red Hot Chili Peppers,
The Beavis and Butthead Do America OST
I thought that maybe this year would be different from last and yet it seems like I have come full circle and then some... (i.e. freaking crappy to crappy to motherfreaking crappy) AND to make matters completely worse than they already are, I have no one to blame really and there's nothing much I can honestly do.
Why?!!!
Talk about OWNING my life this year. I certainly own one crappy life.. if things don't turn around for me soon... I'm going to turn from homicidal to suicidal!
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
5:39 PM
I never felt magic crazy as this
I never saw moons knew the meaning of the sea
I never held emotion in the palm of my hand
Or felt sweet breezes in the top of a tree
But now you're here
Brighten my northern sky.
-Northern Sky, Nick Drake (Serendipity OST)
I LIVE. I LOVE. I DIE.
13th month and counting... and counting... and counting....
We all live, fall in love and eventually, we all die. It's a cycle.. .a process... that I'm sure no one who has lived on this planet has ever escaped. Because even those with the coldest of hearts and darkest of souls have surely loved at least once in their lives. (how else could they have ended up that way?! yes, the bitter pill!)
So let us live and love and maybe push back the dying bit for as long as we can..I love you forever...
I love you for always...
As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be...
Happy Monthsary Baby! :)
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
11:30 AM
In the year 2005 I resolve to:
My randomly generated resolution:
Bring back disco.
Believe me, there's nothing better than dancing your blues away (aided by tons of moonshine of course!) --> that by the way, is my word for the day. MOONSHINE.
__________________________________________________
Seriously speaking of resolutions, I resolve to:
1. Save more.
2. Shop less (but at the same time update my wardrobe cos i want to--)
3. Change my look.
4. Pray more.
5. Talk less.
6. Make money.
7. Be more independent.
8. Be happy.
9. Lose weight.
10. Gain peace of mind.
Simple but seemingly difficult to do. I wish myself luck.
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
5:16 PM
2005 is finally here! After the 365 and then some days of suffering and bad karma, it is finally here!!! Although 2004 wasn't all that great and I can't really say that it had any highlights, there are still some things that I am thankful for and that I'll remember when I think of 2004.
1. I am still alive (who would've thought I'd survive all the emotional drama/trauma I've been through)
2. I still have a roof over me head.
3. I am (relatively) healthy (albeit the excessive smoking and drinking)
4. I still have a family that undeniably loves me (even with all the crazy things that we've all been through)
5. Mom and I are in speaking terms and she still calls me "Anak".
6. Dad had an actual shining fatherly moment which brought me to tears.
7. My brothers are the best! I know that they've got my back.
8. I am loved-- thanks Hubby! :)
9. I have lost but found myself--not completely, but I'm getting there.
10. I have a normal, stable job.
11. I have learned to commute!!!
12. I am more independent.
13. I lost some weight. (which I unfortunately gained back! crap!)
14. I played in a band.
15. I lost my old band but put together a new one.
16. I actually look like I know what I'm doing when I'm on the k-hon.
17. We rocked at our company's Christmas party.
18. I lost some friends but made some new ones.
19. I reconnected with my high school friends.
20. I have friends who keep me sane and who never judge me when I go nuts.
21. I didn't get extremely drunk on my birthday.
22. I was well taken care of when I eventually got drunk on other occasions.
23. I didn't do drugs. (not that I've ever really...)
24. I read some really good or at the very least, rather entertaining books.
25. I was introduced to new music by my friends.
26. I didn't get into any freak accidents.
27. I made it to Divisoria in one-piece, by myself during the Christmas season.
28. I SHOPPED! And I shopped a lot with my own money.
29. I learned additional computer skills.
30. I got a SUN cellular number--24/7 baby! hehe :)
31. I didn't let my once in a lifetime pass me by.
32. I became more patient.
33. I am more rational.
34. I learned how to be more creative when it comes to buying gifts.
35. I learned to give truly without expecting to receive.
36. I learned how to apologize.
37. I learned how to love unconditionally.
38. I fought for the one I love.
39. I allowed myself to be loved.
40. I allowed myself to need someone.
41. I allowed myself to admit it.
42. I learned a lot of new "tricks".. heehee :9
43. I got a marriage proposal. (and I actually proposed to my man)
44. I fit in.
45. I learned (still learning..) to curb my temper--> Anger Management
46. I was able to write again.
47. I am more obedient.
48. I went into business last month (and wil be entering other business ventures this year).
49.I am more headstrong and determined.
And...
50. After all the crap that I've been through in the past 12 months, I don't really hatethe world or anyone or anything and I'm actually beginning to like (and even truly love) myself.
My Supah-visor gave me some fabulous advise before 2004 ended. He said, "Own IT!" It's time to take control of my life and of everything that happens in it. I should be the one to decide when I'll be happy, when I'll be sad, when good things will happen and when I'll allow bad things to occur and this year, I WILL! I will do more, think more, say more and whine less. It's time to equalize the BAD KARMA Baby!
So, Welcome 2005! Bring it On!
unleashed by.:: v ::. at
10:20 AM